By Robyn Marin, Goddess Yoga Guide
I’ve never felt like a Goddess. In fact the first time I probably ever heard the word Goddess it was associated with the salad dressing—that you made up—out of a packet. All you had to do was add water and poof there you have Green Goddess. Why green? I wonder about that marketing meeting where they all said, “yep, let’s go with Green Goddess”- they’ll buy tons of it. I vaguely remember a picture of a gorgeous Goddess on the packet. Not a form of a woman I would ever relate too, besides she was a fictitious form of a woman selling salad dressing.
I never even thought about the word “Goddess”—let alone thought or wondered if I could be one. I’m from Normal, Illinois where we grow good, sturdy people and lots of corn. Hardly a Goddess hotbed. I come from a long line of women. My mother was one of six girls and I have an older sister. Life was simple. My parents fed us and we did our chores. I felt loved, but I don’t remember ever hearing my parents say it. In fact my dad said, he shouldn’t have to say it…that I should just know that he did. It made me feel sad when he said that and if he was alive today, I’d challenge him.
On May 10, 2019 I turned 58 years old. I live alone and never expected to be alone. I got married and children so I wouldn’t ever be alone and unloved. At 19 I found the love of my life and married him at 21. I was married until December 1, 2017. My husband decided very abruptly to leave our marriage in 2014. He took himself and our love away with him. I suffered for a long time and still suffer some residual effects of having someone tell me they don’t love me anymore. My self worth I discovered was majorly attached to the fact that I was loved by him. His love made me feel special. When he retracted the love—abandoned me—I struggled with bouts of deep sadness. I’m mostly whole again due to the fact that I’m a warrior female who despises defeat.
The one survival tool that got me through the toughest times were having perspective and gratitude for the things he didn’t take with him…
In order to survive being throw away, dethroned, fired, from my title of wife I got busy doing things I’d never done before. I needed to occupy my brain with new tasks…sleep also came as a welcome comfort from reality.
His leaving WAS NOT going to destroy me! I started keeping a journal as I way to document the drama unfolding.
My journaling turned into a one woman show. It’s a real look into my survival and I hope to inspire people to follow on after a heartbreaking situation.
Do I feel like a Goddess now? Now and then I do. Mostly when I am kind and gentle with myself—when I accept myself and love myself, without conditions.
When I give in service to others, I have Goddess feelings. When I help others, I feel the God in me revealed. When I accept my place, when I stop fighting with unworthiness. When I love myself…that is worth repeating…when I love myself I am most like the God/Goddess image in which I was formed.
Click here to Listen to Robyns Goddess Talk were she shared some of her monolog on this weeks Goddess Talk.
It’s always to witness that creativity and brilliance are often born of pain. Thank you for sharing this.
I am deeply touched by both your story and your courage to bare your soul to us and to strangers. Sending love your way!